Why Do I Want To Speak At Conferences In My Career? | 5/17/22

Why do I want the experience of speaking at conferences in my career?

Goes with my previous entries of wanting to shine in some public spotlight. Do I have a block of people who grab attention now? I think it’s less now than it used to be. But I would have some unconscious beliefs of resenting those who seek and attract attention.

But I cannot attract that which I repel. I cannot myself become that which I do not like others becoming.

It may stem from an even deeper belief of keeping to ourselves when there is something to share. That’s one reason why I have to go outside my comfort zone to share something with whoever it may be on whichever topic it may be.

Being confident to share things unprompted.

There is an aspect here of my belief that I believe questions are superior to answers. I have to fix that inflexible belief. In some cases, questions are better. In others, statements are better. Finding a better balance between the two is a progression for me. I have to be able to talk whether prompted by a question or not.

I value silence.

Maybe more so than the sharing of valuable information. I don’t think I consciously believe this but I think it’s an unconscious belief.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I’ve taken it a step too far and implied the converse. “Don’t say anything at all, even if it’s nice.”

Which is another reason why I struggle to give compliments. Even if there is something nice to say, I keep it to myself and may even send them positive energy. But that’s not still communicating that to someone directly. So, I’m going to share more thoughts and energy unprompted.

Combined with my LinkedIn posting, that should get me in the mentality to share freely and without a question.

Relating this back to the question, I think I want to share those thoughts with people. But I haven’t freely in the past.

Another small thing to do, which I’m starting to do recently, is when people ask how are you, I’ll express myself more. But even there, that’s responding to a question. Unprompted here is the key to going outside my comfort zone.

Is there another thing here of repression of communication because I believe no one wants to hear what I say? That makes me question that what I say is valuable in the first place. That’s what other people speaking over me or telling me to be quiet is a result of.

WOW! Is that a repetitive childhood memory of being told to be quiet when I was talking?! “Allari cheyaku.” “Gamanundu.” When others told my child self to be quiet, they were telling me that they didn’t want to hear me. That what I had to say (sometimes nonsensically) wasn’t important.

Is that one of the reasons why I now love interacting with children and engaging them with questions? Letting them fully express themselves. And going along with wherever their imagination takes them.

Hmm, we think the memories of children go away and they don’t remember them. But that’s a very narrow-minded definition of memory. Of limiting it to their conscious mind. What if we reversed the paradigm here? What if children had the best ‘memory’ of any age person? They can have the experience and totally not have it in the conscious part of their mind. And then it’s in their subconscious part of their mind.

For adults, we ‘remember’ the memory. Which is an extra step. Experience → Mind → Identity. For children, it essentially circumvents the mind and goes straight from Experience → Identity.

Of course, “Mind” is not fully accurate here, since it’s necessary to process any experience (to even have an experience, at that), but it’s illustrative.

Illustrative and representative of the idea that the mind will get in the way of being present.

Hmm, if self-awareness, the awareness of our awareness, the awareness of our consciousness, is the difference between humans and other animals, then that also means it is that same self-awareness that prevents us from living in the present.

Is that self-awareness or is that ego? Actually, I don’t think it’s consciousness itself that is that. It’s the individualization, the ego of the consciousness that prevents us from living solely in the present.

We wouldn’t have a concept of the past if we didn’t have a memory. There is no past without a memory.

Hmm, there is even no concept of learning without a memory. We would have to ‘relearn’ everything. But this memory is also what has allowed civilization to grow to what it is now. It’s a double edged sword.

Our memory has allowed us to survive and thrive, but also despair and suffer.

Hmm, combining memory, learning, and balance concepts, what we have to ask ourselves in addition to ‘what are we learning?’ is “what are we unlearning?” In the contexts of the self, people, and the Universe. Learning and unlearning with all 3 of these scopes.

So if kids have balance by living in a state without ‘conscious memory’, then are they in a perpetual state of learning and unlearning?

So then is the feeling of balance a balance between the states of learning and unlearning?

The rate of learning = the rate of unlearning = balance.

By identifying with the self, we’ve glorified learning because that’s an individual endeavor. But how much do we emphasize unlearning things. Not at all.

To answer the original question, to be heard.